Desi Murgi aur Korean khana

So, Mr. Ranjan, “What will you love to have?”

“Paaaaaah!!! ………….Whaaaaat did u just tell ?......... LOVE”….

GOD, hunn!………….. ! LOVE again haaaaan, I mulled as I looked at my Korean manager and smiled sheepishly.

I felt little unusual. Because whenever this 4 letter word LOVE bug has come into my life, something unusual is inevitable.

For example,

Last night when my manager told:
“I know Ranjan, you LOVE working late nights”

and all I could do was:

“Hmmmmm……Yeaaaaas…sometimes….”

and my poor ass was on fire the entire night and still was not able to debug the bug as I was still reeling under “While” and “For” loop effect.

Anyways, keeping aside my superstitions, I looked at the menu.

All of a sudden I started feeling more unusual. My eyeballs started rolling like that of starved (vegetarian) cow when served with yummy spicy mutton garnished with flavors of barbecued fish. I was set aback as my Korean manager smilingly waited for me to order something. Nevertheless, seeking for some solace I ran my eyes left to right, up to down and rolled round and round on the menu card like kid trying to read a book…
The menu read something like this: (Some of decent ones which I can remember)

Crispy aromatic duck,
Barbecued spare beefs,
Deep fried spare prawns in sweet sour sauce,
Deep fried butterfly king prawns
Kuang paao chin beef
Mu shu Chu sin pork
Half baked half raw boneless pork
(With pieces of barbecued dog)
Shrimp Crab meat fried rice
Sliced duck with chow chow
The raw sliced fish dipped in sauce
Hot and sweet spring pork.

………………………………………………
………………………………………………
………………………………………………

I kept hunting for a single blade of grass and went on frantically reading menus left to right, up to down and leafed through many pages until deep bottom of the last page I found…Finally…..Aaaaaaaah !!!

Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien…..
Bingo!!! And I raised my thumb slowly! Yeaaaaas!!!

This was like an Oasis in a desert and chow mien happens to be my favorite dish… I rejoiced!!!
I took deep a sigh of relief again like a tired athlete who just finished his race…. Finally I found something I could eat. I raised my chin to my manger in pride and ordered my all time favorite vegetable chow mien.

I wonder how he was still smiling and looking me…… awaiting my response. (What a jack ass he looked)

and I said:
“Mr. Yun Chu Naa, I would like to have a Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien”

Yun Chun Naa was the name of my Korean Manager. What a weird name naaa…isn’t it? Let’s call him Naa in this blog. What say?

After waiting for about 10 minutes, all dishes were neatly served on our tables except for mine.

I kept waiting…

and waiting….

and waiting…

and waiting…

and I kept looking at others…
It seems this made Mr. Naa feel a little awkward. He looked at me

once….

twice….

thrice… but I kept waiting and when he couldn’t resist, he finally chipped in:

Mr. Naa: So! Mr. Ranjan… Do you pray something in mind before eating? I heard a lot of Indians do that.

Me: No, I...I mean yes, I do…but I am not doing it right now. (With a tinge of surprise on my face)

Mr. Naa: Then why don’t you start eating your dish please?

I was little surprised (as If when my dish would have been served why would I have kept looking at his sadu Korean face where u cannot distinguish whether it’s a line or it’s his eyes…dumbo he!!!)

and I said:“I am waiting for it served Sir”

Mr. Naa: But it’s already served.

Tossing a plate towards me laden with some non vegetarian, which seemed to me like leg pieces of some creature, were nicely decorated on some noodles in a circular fashion.

and he said,

Mr. Naa: Here it is Mr. Ranjan (and he raised the plate towards me.)

(Mr. Naaaaaa….. Screaaaaaammmmmmmm……ufff …No…Don’t do this to me….Its bloody non veg dish…Mr. Naa…. Na na na na Naa re Naa re Naa re… Na na na na Naa re Naa re Naa … …I am a Hindu Brahman u fool)

Me: Mr. Naa…I am sorry Sir but I ordered for Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien. I stressed on the word vegetarian. I guess it’s a non vegetarian dish Sir.

Mr. Naa: yeah, that’s what it is, Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien which you ordered.

Saaaale, U Maaadar….Faaadar…cant u see pieces of non veggies on it.

Me: But it seems it’s smudged with non-veg pieces and its gravy.

Anyways, I thought of showing him what I ordered.

I fling the Menu book from the table and leafed on the last page and here it was:
Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien.

As I was about to show him…I just wanted to give a close read to it ones again… I brought it a little more closer, I found something written below it. I squinted my eyes and the after I read what was written my eyes started raising my eyebrows and my mouth opened in an O shape.

It was:
Lu Hon Chu vegetable chow mien.
(Topped with chicken sticks and hot gravy)
And to be more precise it was under Vegetarian section.

Hmmm...Implies chicken is considered to be vegetarian here in Korea. Ooo Maa GOD!!! But Miss Suba in Class five taught me Vegetarian comes from vegetation….Holy crap! Miss Suba…. Tune mujhe le dooba…I wondered chicken comes from which vegetation?

And I kept thinking….10 seconds passed….

Perhaps they must be growing chicken tree….yes? 'ooooooooor No?

O shit!!! What logic…Ehhh!...30 seconds paased

Rajan… say something …aabe kuch to bol….

but what ? and 60 seconds passed….

They gonaa fire me now….yesterday the bug and today food….

O’ come on….tell him that u don’t like chicken….120 seconds passed….

And finally after 2 mins….I released something…..all of a sudden….

Me: Sir, I am sorry but I don’t like chicken, for we Indians chicken is a non vegetarian.

Mr. Naa: Aaaaaaan I see… Noooo problem…. (In his typical Korean accent)

Naaaa you are a problem … (I mused) and now you have put me under problem. Now I realized why we Indian people chant “Mera Bharat Mahan”

Mr. Naa: Would u like to have some salads I hope that’s what a complete vegetarian we get here.

(After discussing with the waiter….)

Mr. Naa: What would you have A battered tofu salad? Or deep fried tofu salad?

Now hearing the word tofu, my heart and mind started playing Kun fu. Mind said…Be proactive and my heart said just go for it. After all it’s just a salad (ghaas phoos yaar). I was under chaotic catch 22 situation because learning when chicken is under vegetarian category in this damn bizarre land made my head reeled twice. And moreover tofu? What the heck this word meant? I dint had much time to think and I was child ones again. I finally tried to eliminate one by sheer luck and I chanted in my mind.

Inky Pinky Ponky,

My father bought a donkey.

Donkey died, father cried.

Inky Pinky Ponky!

Ummm… Deep Fried tofu salad
and verdict was over. Deep Fried tofu salad had won the bout.

(and with a broken voice)
Me: Sir I would like to have a deep fried tofu salad.

Finally the ever devouring deep fried tofu salad was royally served on my lunch table and without wasting much time I started gulping it morsel by morsel when suddenly I felt little unusual again. Ohh No!! Not again! I whispered. Something bizarre struck my teeth again!!! F**k…what got stuck ?

and after scrutinizing the salad by my fork I found a thread like white kind of element spread all over. I whispered into my friend’s ear who happened to be my colleague from India. He tasted it and said.

“Bro, its pork”

“Whaaaaat ? I said”

Yeahh!! It’s PORK !

IT'S PATHETIC, I retaliated and puked in a tissue napkin.

PUKED !!! What the hell I did just now…did I puke?...Holy shit! Salle tu to gaya….kal ke saare bugs bhi adhoore….aur aaj tune puke kar diya nigode ?No bugs and no food…Maccha, they gonaa fire men now….what to do….what to do…Inky pinky ponky …My boss is a donkey….O man even Inky Pinky is not working now….God save me now !!!

and just after a while without much thought I said,

“Excuse me Mr. Naa, I am sorry but I would not be able to eat”

“Why”, he said

“Sir I have a personal problem which I couldn’t tell you”

“Don’t worry, I will help you… Tell me?”

“Sir…I …I…Sir I …….”

“Yeah….speak out…Don’t worry…”

“Sir, I have a running ass” ...